Counting Stars...

Santa Monica, 2014, Katie Martinez

I heard that world becomes less and less clear, concrete, and black/white as you grow older, and it is so true.  At one point, I read the Old Testament in complete and utter confusion at how so many missteps could have happened.  Then I grew up, and began to understand the intricacies of darkness, and what it meant to be bound by an evil world... but that evil, I found, doesn't originate within people, but from outside of them.  That's what I believe, and that what my faith has taught me.  

My responses to that evil, the way each of us have found ways to cope, choosing love once found... so much of what good we find in the world conflicts with the truth that is preached... and for the most part, you can follow these statements to logical conclusions.  

For instance, is it really better that we have multiple sexual partners, instead of one partner, in a fully committed relationship?  Boredom, comparisons, etc... all these things just point to a lack of commitment to love the other person in the full and true capacity of what it means to love.  Bridging from that, for me at least, trust is something that we all struggle with, as is insecurity, and when I have in the back of my mind, "will he leave me if he gets bored..."- I cannot allow myself to fully trust.  

On the other hand, having one partner is a high ideal, and none of us are perfect.  When you are promised that the Lord will bring you someone, and you are 25, 30 years old, and still single... well, I can't help but wonder what God expected?  

No one wants to be alone, and we are all searching for hope, love, and fulfillment, and while I do believe God is the source of this, I fully realize the extent of our separation... the demons that mess with us... our scars, our pain, our realities.  And so here, I struggle.  

We sin, we struggle, we hurt....

Someone posted this song at the end of summer, when they got home, and it hit me.  One Republic was the first band I saw play at Biola, way back in 2006, and this video exemplifies this struggle of faith greatly.  

This is the jist of my current contemplation.