Cooking up some crystal meth.
Did you turn off the oven?
Did you set the alarm?
They still haven’t caught
The man with one arm.
Look around at these people,
How safe do you feel?
Your car when you parked,
Did you lock it?
Thinking reasonably now,
What are the odds,
That nobody here is a pick-pocket?
That guy who just coughed on your neck,
Could he have an infection?
The restaurant where you went to brunch,
Did it fail its health inspection?
A mad man could set loose a virus,
For which there isn’t a cure,
And while these things may be unlikely,
Ask yourself, ‘Are you sure?’
And can you be sure
You won’t get Ebola from a tainted Diet Cola,
Toxic Waste or getting chased by a bearded Ayatollah
Funnel clouds and hail,
Anthrax in the mail
Your lover will discover your vestigial tale
Someone’s robbing your house,
I can see through your blouse
Your mother was right,
You choose the wrong spouse
Unlabeled Drano, tornadoes, torpedoes,
The horrible sight
Of some Guidos in Speedos,
STD’s, PCP’s, SUV’s, UV light.
A giant pimple on your face:
You have a date tonight.
Choking on a biscotti
Being whacked by John Gotti
Getting trapped overnight
In a full porta potty
And I have one final fear to drop in your bucket,
About a friend of a friend
Of the man from Nantucket:
There once was a man from Oclair,
Who no one was able to scare,
He wouldn’t join panics,
About the Hispanics,
And later he was killed by a bear.
True Story.