It's where my demons hide...

Hollywood Stop, 2014, Katie Martinez

I am coming to another summer across the country, and I can only reflect on my state of mind and being this same time last year, as I prepped for the summer to come.  So much is still the same.  I am still single, living in the same place, and driving the same car.

Then there are things that are still the same, as in they are still present in my life, such as my family, but my relationship with them has grown and therefore changed.  I do feel like a very different person from the person making summer travel plans this time last year.

The entire time during that year though, it felt like so much light was shone onto all the dark corners that were present in my life and around me.  I learned so much more about my family, friend, myself, and the world.  Most of all though, there has been a ton of internal work going on, addressing issues and changing a lot.  Interestingly enough, I haven't even done any work with Crisis Counseling during this time either. Still, everything around me is, or has changed, so drastically, that adapting was enough of a crisis to focus on.

"Counting Stars" One Republic

One realization that I especially came to, was just how powerful was the reality that we all are living and trying to thrive, with demons and pain of our own.... and when we are in the heart of the problem, we don't always make the best decisions.

People are going through some harsh realities in life, and it is difficult to fully understand the extent of this.  Surviving a crisis can be a momentary experience, but when you are emotionally injured during that experience, the scarring runs deep and is there for a long time.

It is like how I strained my tendons in my ankle and foot recently.  I was told so many times that breaking an ankle is actually better than spraining it, even though it sounds much more drastic.

Why?  Because a bone in naturally hard, not meant to move about, and can heal quickly. Tendons, ligaments, and joints on the other hand, are not meant to be kept still, but to be movable and flexible.  So healing, takes time and strategy, and is often a long term process, because many times the area never fully goes back to how it was before.

Next post please......

Counting Stars...

Santa Monica, 2014, Katie Martinez

I heard that world becomes less and less clear, concrete, and black/white as you grow older, and it is so true.  At one point, I read the Old Testament in complete and utter confusion at how so many missteps could have happened.  Then I grew up, and began to understand the intricacies of darkness, and what it meant to be bound by an evil world... but that evil, I found, doesn't originate within people, but from outside of them.  That's what I believe, and that what my faith has taught me.  

My responses to that evil, the way each of us have found ways to cope, choosing love once found... so much of what good we find in the world conflicts with the truth that is preached... and for the most part, you can follow these statements to logical conclusions.  

For instance, is it really better that we have multiple sexual partners, instead of one partner, in a fully committed relationship?  Boredom, comparisons, etc... all these things just point to a lack of commitment to love the other person in the full and true capacity of what it means to love.  Bridging from that, for me at least, trust is something that we all struggle with, as is insecurity, and when I have in the back of my mind, "will he leave me if he gets bored..."- I cannot allow myself to fully trust.  

On the other hand, having one partner is a high ideal, and none of us are perfect.  When you are promised that the Lord will bring you someone, and you are 25, 30 years old, and still single... well, I can't help but wonder what God expected?  

No one wants to be alone, and we are all searching for hope, love, and fulfillment, and while I do believe God is the source of this, I fully realize the extent of our separation... the demons that mess with us... our scars, our pain, our realities.  And so here, I struggle.  

We sin, we struggle, we hurt....

Someone posted this song at the end of summer, when they got home, and it hit me.  One Republic was the first band I saw play at Biola, way back in 2006, and this video exemplifies this struggle of faith greatly.  

This is the jist of my current contemplation.

Mt. San Gorgonio... lessons learned

As always, there was something to learn on this trip, and we came home with a lot.

First and foremost, we learned that hikers help and support one another.  One other camper/hiker even offered to pump water for us, so that we didn't have to have the taste of the tablets we had brought instead... it was a cheaper option and we are broke college students alright.  

The next morning was Easter, and we woke up to early hikers making the summit.  We talked to one hiker who was taking a break, and we discussed how you have to pace yourself, and not be ashamed to face your limits.  Before she left, she ended up giving us two Easter Eggs... awesome.  :) Thank you lady!

We did end up facing our limitations and decided to head down instead of making the summit.  That was the best for both of us, Kim with her back, and me with my rehabbed ankle. 

Camping- Kim's first time!!! Poor thing, it got so cold at night.  I did not take into consideration that the temperature drops in higher altitude.. so the night temp at the bottom of the trail was expected to be in the 30's F, at around 5000-6000 ft.  We were at 9000 ft, so give or take 10/15 degrees at the least.  Cold.  We ended up opening our emergency space blankets, and those little things work miracles!  Our tent also got wet quickly, so condensation and precipitation were other factors we didn't take into consideration. 

My mummy bag was great, and kept dry, and the head part kept my head warm.  Kim, on the other hand, had a normal square sleeping bag, that didn't contain heat too well.  Again, poor girl.  The mats and tent definitely helped though.  This is a must.  

Also, I need to invest in layers for sleeping.  Kim brought a sauna suit, which was light, and actually worked well at containing heat.  I was reading that a silk insert can also help at this point.  

 

Out packs... too heavy.  30-35 pounds.  On the way down, I took some of the extra weight in my bag.  Part of the training I was able to do, was to hike with 30 pounds on my back.  The first time I did 10 miles with 30 pounds, I remember being so tired, uncomfortable, and in lots of pain with the bruising.  My hiking buddy was feeling this for the first time, while in higher elevation, tired, and hungry.  

There are many ways to reduce the weight in our bags, and the biggest way was to invest in a water filter and not bring up as much water as we did.  We also need to bring more higher calorie foods, that are also lighter  Our bags themselves, are a bit on the heavy side, and that can be taken care of sometime in the future, when we can afford to spend around 300 on a bag.  My friend needs to invest in a proper, and lighter sleeping bag though. The expense makes it difficult.

Mt. San Gorgonio try #1

San Gorgonio Mountain is a tricky hike, with many ways to summit it.  It is the tallest peak in Southern California, standing at 11,503 ft.

There is a lot of prep that goes into this, including applying for permits to hike up the mountain.

You can request this here: http://www.sgwa.org/faq.html

We parked right below the Vivian Creek parking lot, which was closed, and then began our way up a road.  We then got to this, crossed it, and officially began the hike up.  

Here, our ascend consisted of switchback that led up the first parts, and then wound its way around the forest to Vivian Creek.  This is the first water source available.  

Savor the view on your way up. It is crazy, and neat to see these fallen trees.  You don't realize just how large they are, until you stand next to a fallen one.

Vivian Creek Camp

The hike felt a lot longer than what the map we had said it was.... and we started reading it at the wrong place... so we hoped beyond hope that we had made it to Halfway Camp early...

Then... we came to the sign that pointed to Halfway Camp on the right, and High Creek Camp to the left.

This part of the hike, felt like it went on forever.... It was the trail that never ends.  

The path first goes straight back, and then up switchbacks, around the mountain, and then straight onto the camp.

So take it slow and have some fun with it. 

 

 Again, the mileage felt off, but we were also struggling.  After asking a few hikers and getting wrong mileages so often, we finally got some helpful visuals from a hiker coming down. We were at the top of the switchbacks, and he told us that we just had to go around the mountain, in like a half circle. 

And so we did. 

And we came to a clearing...

And we thought we were in the clear, and we had finally reached the High Creek Camp... but no... we had not. 

And so we went on...

\

And on... 

And then... light!

So we came to discuss and learn many things from this point on, that I think I'll write up and include in another post.  We did decide to call it the next day, and head down, and so we did.

Mountain Women... I am a bit swollen... normal with elevation changes, but unfortunate. 

 Some Views: 

A lesson in snobbery and politics

In discussing politics, and the reality that you have to market yourself, an experience from last summer came to mind.  

There was a Scottish Lawyer, who was seemingly one of the nicest guys at the camp.  Everyone liked him, he had a great smile, a great demeanor, and generally, he was very kind. He got close to one girl in particular, and took care of her. He was never confrontational, just a laid back, well spoken, and smiley guy.  But then came the end of summer, and reality along with it.

Not that adding someone on Facebook is really a big deal, but I was explicitly told that he would not be adding me, or anyone of the girls for that matter, because it may look bad to any future employers or clients.  He was afraid of what we would post, or that we might simply reflect bad on him, should his employers or clients look into his friends list.  Then, he began to ignore the girl he had been with the entire summer, because, in his words, he didn't want to get too close, and quite frankly he didn't care. The final nail came with the realization that with his laid back attitude came his refusal to take any stance on the basis of morality, but only on things that directly effected his image.

Back to the Facebook issue though, like I said, it is really not that big of an offense, but to be so pettily dismissed with something as trivial as Facebook, esp by someone I thought was a friend, was quite new to me.  The other things exposed his character, but it floored me, when he told me that he would not be adding me and so on, to my face. 

That, along with other things compiled, finally brought me to the realization that he was not a friend and did not consider me to be one, but was friendly for the sake of survival. Additionally, he perceived me as an unnecessary risk that could essentially stain his reputation.  He gave me no merit, and therefore saw me as inferior.  

I take this as a great learning experience in Life, but really, he is not a loss to my life. He did wake me up to reality, especially when it comes to living/working with more social perception obsess individuals. 

I don't care to be fake, but I am learning how not to wear my heart and thoughts on my sleeve.  I am learning diplomacy, and learning how to smile and greet people that I cannot stand.  It is a necessary skill to learn if you wish to move up a social ladder, and it is a skill that many lower class folk simply especially don't possess.  At the same time, I pray and hope that I never fall into this level of trickery, and evolve into a diplomatic snob and political player with skills that rival a con artist.  If anything, this boy has that skill down to an art.

Love and a Priest

Circumstances brought me to meeting a priest once who told me quite a few stories from his life.  One in particular stuck in my memory.

He was an elderly priest from Ireland, who had come to America after World War II.  During WWII he was placed in a safe area that many UK residents had sent their children to for the sake of safety.  There he became close friends with a girl who was also sent there.  They remained together for a few years, until the war ended, and kept in touch via mail.  To this day even, they still write. 

Well, eventually he saw life panning out as it did and decided to go into the Priesthood, and later she married. Then a couple years ago she decided to take a trip with her family, to America, with the main purpose to come see the priest.  

When he saw her, and they had a chance to talk again, face to face, he told her in confidence, "you know, if I had never joined the Priesthood I would have come and asked you to..." She stopped him there, and said, "shhh... yes I know, and I would've said yes." 

When I heard this I didn't know whether to cry or be happy... They cared for each other since the day they met, and kept in touch even decades after.  Even when they had nothing physically to offer. And yet, I couldn't help but to question why he didn't find her and marry her? Why did their love remain unfulfilled? Could it have been something?

Love is really a funny thing.  

Prepping...

My foot is still hurting, and I am in preparation for my first overnight hike... and reasonably said, I am very very very nervous.  Been prepping to climb this mountain for awhile, and it is crazy how one strain can take you out for so long.

Anyhoo, here are some backpacking tips that I found.

#FBF Flash Back, Throw Back, Whatev, going back....

... to that one time where a few friends went a bit past LA to a Reggae concert with Christian artists... the starring act was a group called Imisi. At one point they introduced a song they said was written in a time of chaos, when they were reminded that God works things out for the best and will always be there to help you.

I believe the song was "Don't Worry"... so they began to sing it, and then the power just cut out in the middle of the song. The guys hesitated, but didn't stop, and just kept on singing.  Then they started keeping beat tapping their feet and hands on their sides, and then some guys in the audience caught the beat and started clapping it out.  Right after some guys started stomping a beat of their own, and they were then joined by some of the other performers who started to beat box a melody behind it all.  All together, the performer sang loud and finished the song with the audience.

That was probably one of the neatest musical experiences and moments I've experienced.  It's one thing to admire talent, and to have music blasting out of speakers in front of you, but it is a whole other thing to actually have the music going on all around you.  Someone spitting out a beat to you left, and another to your right, while the dude behind you is stomping it out, and the guys around are clapping different beats.  

Awesome.

"Don't Worry, Its ok, I know that the heavenly Father is always on time, and always, making a way when  there seems like no way..."